"It's Just! (Just!) A little Trust! (Trust!)"

Am really enjoying this opinion piece by Charlie Brooker on how we have little faith in our traditional institutions.

And one of his comments left me wondering, if we can;t trust the WI then who can we trust? WHERE ARE THE WI WHEN WE NEED THEM?

Quick. Someone parachute a member into every Government department, bringing practicality, common sense and damn fine baking!

All of which is really just a tenuous excuse to show this:



Nothing from me this weekend, apart from on Twitter, as I shall be busy volunteering and raising awareness of a health-related issue at a music fetsival. More on that after the weekend...

But there were disappointingly few car chases

My brain is in a strange place. I'm having lots of very odd dreams. Last night seemed to involve a plot nicked from a Zoë Heller novel, where I had an affair with someone, then ended up looking after his bitter partner into old age, until she eventually had me run over by youffs on bicycles on a sodden English country lane.

To fill the time in between there was much angst and confrontation in various European cities.

Also a sub-plot about a missing jewel.

When does the cheque for the films rights arrive in the post, do we think..?

Four Square Eyes

As my tech-guru flatmate has pointed out, it really shows that it hasn't had squillions of earth pounds spent on it, but I am beginning to get quite attached to Channel 4 On Demand. (aka 4od.... "Fodd"? "Four-rod"??).

Mostly, because I can rediscover stuff like Ultraviolet and Drop The Dead Donkey.

It's like the TV channels are in a giant conspiracy to stop me going outside...

The Alternative UK Citizenship Test

I'm sure these will spring up everywhere. But having failed the test questions for being a UK citizen because they asked inane things about road speeds (I don't drive), the number of young people in the UK (with proportionally minor differences between the four choices) and where I go to find out about local training opportunities (I'm a lazy bastard), I should like to suggest alternative and more accurate questions to identify the people who want to be here and have been paying attention*:

1. What is the correct way to prepare a cup of tea?
- Milk in first
- Boiling water in first
- Moving widdershins around the cauldron while chanting hymns to the monkey gods.
- In the advert break.

2. State the correct number of times EastEnders is broadcast each week:
- Once
- Twice
- Three times a Barbara Windsor
- Four and half thousand
- Half

3. The Union Jack is only so-called when..
- Raised.
- Flown on a boat.
- No one really cares about the answer to this you smug git.
- Adorned on a BNP supporter.

4. If someone jostles you by accident in a popular drinking tavern, the correct response is..
- "Oh I am so sorry my dear Sir/Madam/Transgendered person, I do apologise. the fault was all mine. Please allow me to replace your spoilt Babycham."
- Heatbutting.
- Crying (it's been a long night).
- Pregnancy.
({Participants note, the answers to this question depend on the part of the country you are located in, and your social class. If you do not know your social class, please consult the arbitrator's copy of The Daily Mail.)

5. London is the capital of...
- The World.
- The Universe.
- The Empire.
- Starbucks.
- FM.

6. Typically, Christian UK residents buy Christmas presents..
- Rarely.
- At Christmas.
- In the sales.

7. Sir Alan Sugar is..
- Grand High Overlord of Great Britain
- Getting a bit tired now, to be honest.
- The Queen's husband.
- A queen's husband.
- Not as good as Margaret Mountford.

8. The British countryside is where..
- We shoot things.
- We shoot things to actually eat them.
- We go to patronise inhabitants of conurbations of less than 50,000 people.
- Messy.
- We go caravan baiting.

9. The most important UK resident is...
- Gordon Brown.
- Simon Cowell.
- The Queen.
- The man who runs the corner shop.
- Gordon Ramsey.
- Sean Connery.
- Barack Obama.

10. Your local Doctor is available..
- By Calling NHS Direct
- By tuning into BBC One on Saturday evenings
- When the happy pills have run out
- Never

11. A traditional British meal includes...
- Beans.
- Sausages.
- Beanz.
- "Vegetables".
- Plastic cutlery.

12. TRUE or FALSE, a motorway service station is not what you're thinking?

13. You are entitled to a free subscription to Heat magazine...
- When Kerry Katona says so
- When Jordan says so
- When Katie Price says so
- When the women at Tescos says so
- When the Man from Delmote says so
- When the Gold Blend couple say so
- On Tuesdays
- Upon the birth of your sixteenth child

14. Finally, John Lewis is...
- Where posh people go to buy haberdashery.
- Related to Peter Jones.
- A Blue Peter presenter.
- A porn star.
- A long-running drama on Radio 4.


Am I being snobby? I'm probably being snobby, aren't I. eeek!

More suggestions in the comments please!


UPDATE: I must belatedly thank Mr. Dennis for this post, as it was his Tweet that pointed me at the UK citizenship Warm Up Test. And his questions in the comments are far funnier than mine, dammit.

(The British - shocking manners....)


* I'd also quite like to end this sentence

The planets must be "all funky", as Sir Patrick would say

It has been an odd week so far;

1. Octogenarian grandmother went head-first through a glass coach window (she's fine - more damage to the coach and the coach driver she was sitting behind, as far as I can make out).

2. Pacifist sister got into a fight.

3. Great Aunt kicked the bucket. I did not know her very well, but she was officially a fab old thing and my mother is extremely saddened.

4. Unfortunately (for her) she is not officially 'dead' as her three doctors* can't agree on a cause of death and are refusing to sign the death certificate.

5. I opened a kitchen cupboard a day ago and discovered it had filled up form the inside with pools of a strange black liquid...**

6. Father suffering from bout of gastroe...gasteroenteri....that bad stomach virus thing.


What do all these strange augers foretell??



* I don't know why either, although I suspect she may have been pulling a fast one with prescriptions for the happy pills, gawd bless 'er.

** Which subsequently turned out to be a forgotten bag of potatoes on the top shelf that had liquified, but I don't mind saying it gave me a funny turn.

I can neither confirm nor deny at this time that I was pretending to be Shirley Bassey

I love the internets. Who knew* there would be an entire website out there devoted to opening title sequences.

Brilliant! On a hot day like today, I recommend a dose of Edward Scissorhands. Most refreshing.

Which reminds me of my youngest nephew on the recent trip to the London Transport Museum, enjoying his very own Goldfinger** moment..





* I suspect the answer is most of you. I'm usually a little behind on these matters. And have a memory like a.. like a... whataretheycalled...

** The Scissor Sisters also deserve kudos for this video, too.

Someone at Air New Zealand has too much time on their hands..

Very, very weird. Would love to have been there when the conversation happened...

I wonder if I could get away with doing my next client pitch like this..?

Someone has tried to market stuff at me as a Blogger, I'm so happy I could weep!!

So. This morning, I cranked up my email and found the following email:

Hey Boz,

As a London-based blogger I thought you might enjoy the new animated video for my song “Goodbye London”.

It was animated onto photos of Camden, Hampstead Heath, Piccadilly Circus and other favourite parts of London.

The vid is here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8nrDz1xNFE

I’d be delighted if you’d help me spread the word by posting it on your blog, Facebook, Twitter or myspace.

Sincerely,

Luke Jackson


Thrills! I don't care if some record label lackey picked up my blog from some long-forgotten blog directory I signed up to in an early fit of blogging enthusiasm. Nor do I care that the blogosphere is getting quiter by the day and they may be running out of London blogger to find.

HOW COULD A BLOGGER REFUSE.

It's such a well-written, open and dead straightforward email. I have to applaud it.

Luckily, the song and video turn out to be a bit nifty. And do actually have some of my fave bits of London in:



Thank you, Luke Jackson. How is also on Twitter here.

Proof that those that ask nicely get everything they ask for.

UPDATE: Although - anyone know how to make this video fit my woefully out of date blog template? It really is time to update this blasted thing. I'm just a-fearin' losing everything..

UPDATE AGAIN: Despite valiant efforts by my flatmate, the Patron Saint of Blogging has come to my rescue vis the YouTube video size. Huzzahs!

OM NOM NOM

My flatmate puts together a damn good dinner...