Friday, January 20, 2006

Today's productive meeting

A cup of coffee. It's not a complicated thing, is it?

Not even proper filter coffee. Not half-caff, de-caff, no-caff, extra-caff.

Just a cup of coffee. It's not a difficult thing, no?

We were having a meeting at work today, and my boss got distracted. She was mouthing off about her bloke or something. In the midst of mouthing off, the urge for a coffee hits her.

"Does anybody want a hot drink?"

Co-workers and I mutter polite refusals and shake our heads.

Boss picks up coffee cup.

Boss goes to kettle at kitchen area.

Boss fills cup with freeze-dried coffee substance.

Boss brings cup back to table.

Boss goes back to kitchen to turn on kettle.

Boss comes back to table.

Conversation ensues. Not much work gets done.


Kettle has boiled. Employees twitch.

Boss gets up and goes to kettle.

Boss brings kettle back to table.

Boss fills mug with hot water. Employees stare at floral print on it, willing miracles to happen.

Boss gesticulates with kettle to illustrate diatribe.

Employees wipe scalding hot water off client presentations, files, extremities etc.

Boss takes kettle back to kitchen.

Boss comes back to table - still ranting. Employees notice fundamental flaw in coffee scenario of boss.

Boss takes cup of coffee to kitchen. Employees grip table in manner of comedy disbelief.

Boss gets out milk and pours into mug. Blows on mug. Small pause in rant.

Boss comes back to table. Employees break eye contact with mug of coffee.

Interruption and general fracas as bloke of boss pops head round door.

Bloke leaves.

Boss mouths off and blows on coffee.

Boss gets up and goes to kitchen.

Boss returns with table spoon.

Boss tries to make spoon fit in mug. Unintentional comedy ensues.

Boss uses end of spoon to stir coffee. Still talking.

Boss sits table spoon on edge of table.

Spoon falls off table. Boss retrieves and throw, executing rare amateur gymnastics manouvre of half-turn-pitch-and-throw-with-triple-mouth-loop, finished with a perfect land.

Employees mentally award her full marks, apart from Accountant, who holds office sport grudge against boss since The Incident With The Cupboard Door That We Do Not Talk Of.

Rest of employees all look at Accountant remember The Incident With The Cupboard Door We Do Often Talk About Out Of Earshot Of Boss And Accountant.

Boss narrowly misses out on mental office imaginary Olympic Gold.

Employees try and remember what meeting was about before Boss started ranting.

Boss about to finally drink coffee. Business about to resume. Mug gets within inches of lips, when...

"Ooo I must go to the loo, it's all this coffee".

Boss departs. Employees collapse onto floor unable to breath. Accountant cracks first smile since Spring 2004.

Boss returns to find employees weeping and rocking back and forth silently.

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