Saturday, April 07, 2007

Adventures in Gym Land Three: Boz gets wet.

I am sitting in my living room having returned from the gym. I had a swim today. It was nice. No I did not use inflatable arm bands. I am furnished with a membership card and everything now, although I still haven't signed any bits of paper to say if I suffer a heart attack or manage to mangle my hand in a rowing machine then it's all my fault because I'm a big silly and not in any way the fault of the lovely gym owners.

Placed on the table before me is a sheet of A4 paper that also came home with me from the gym. At the top of this piece of paper is the word 'timetable'. That is about the only word I understand.

Body pump clinic - a jolly session to help clear out the systrems of those who have overdosed on muscle building powders and potions.
Dynamic yoga - meditation and stretching exercises for the upwardly mobile.
Total body conditioning - Timotei for yas pubes.
Mega-Hula - one big hoop, spun by a group of thirty. Bit boring for those in the middle.
Body balance - Balance corpses on bits on a selection of gym equipment. The winner is the one whose cadaver wilts last.
Group cycling - pedalling round France with The Beatles.
The Rock Star Workout - tone and build muscle by bashing up some music equipment with an air guitar. Followed up by the Rock Star Diet (biting the heads off whippets).

You know, this gym thing is a whole new world...


LaLa said...

Rock Star Diet?

Surely that would be a bottle of vodka and a plate of rokey-cokey?

Boz said...

To be honest, these days, your average rock star probably has a plate of dry lentils or something. Rock stars are so not rock and roll anymore. Unless you're Keith Richardws obviously. I draw the line at snorting your father's ashes...

LaLa said...

Good old Keef. I love him, purely because he is just SO fucking wrong.

Funnily enough, I remember this quote from Denis Leary's cd

"I was reading an interview with Keith Richards in a magazine and in the interview Keith Richards intimated that kids should not do drugs. Keith Richards! Says that kids should not do drugs! Keith, we can't do any more drugs because you already fucking did them all, alright! There's none left! We have to wait 'till you die and smoke your ashes! Jesus Christ! Talk about the pot and the fuckin' kettle."

Old Cheeser said...

I like the sound of all the workouts - VERY Kids from Fame. Think I'll cancel membership with my own gym and join yours instead - sounds much more exciting!!

Boz said...

Now if there was a Kids From Fame class, I'd be right there with my spandex, ornage hoodie and grey legwarmers.

LaLa said...

erm... hello?

Don't you bloody disappear too.