Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Financial arrangements

Dearest God of All Finance.

Thank you for checking that I received my informative pension 'update' in the post. I must report that this helpful document scared me somewhat, as it contained a lot of words I didn’t fully understand. Words such as ‘savings’, ‘future’ and ‘retirement’. However it has made realise I may need more than three shillings and sixpence each month to survive on when I have become too withered to be of use in the workplace. I am currently addressing this shortfall by rolling out my celebrated ‘World Domination Project’ (codename: sunshine).

I note our pension advisor has been invited into the office. Before his arrival, can you please confirm he has the correct documentation to support my initiative. I have forwarded you a list but I am particularly interested in advice around the correct amount with which to bribe corrupt South American politicians and generating fast funds for R&D of spacecraft technology.

As an aside, I am also taking this forward with HR representatives, to see if I can benefit from time out of the workplace for this skills-enriching project. I am positive the experiences and knowledge I will gain while on secondment obtaining nuclear devices and working face-to-face with both Middle Eastern dictators and western politicians will be useful to the business going forward.

Thank you also letting me know that we now have access to matched payroll giving. I will consider this. I would also be enormously grateful if you could clarify whether trying out homegrown bio-engineering projects on my own body will affect my gym membership.

I hope the bonsai growing continues well.

Kindest regards etc,


(Alternative reaction from co-worker: "Yey! Pension stuff!")


Betty said...

Oh, you have to be able to contribute at least 85 per cent of your income to a pension scheme if you plan to retire before the age of 90.

... which basically means that it's not worth worrying about those words "savings", "future" and "retirement", because you won't be able to save, you won't have a future and you won't ever be able to retire.

I hope this helps.

Boz said...

Oh Betty you are wise. But this pretty much puts the kaibosh on the world domination project. This is a shame as I'd had the stationery printed up and was looking forward to passing laws like 'thou shalt eat roast lamb with plates of mint sauce once a week', but it's probably the right thing to do.

james henry said...

With the leftovers for curry. Mmmm, lamb currry...

The Rule of Boz is Just.

Boz said...

MMM, curry goodness. I sense another plan forming.

LaLa said...

Seriously Bozzy, if there was an award for post of the year, I would so nominate this one.

I have nothing witty to say.

Boz said...

Hahahah! Thanks Lala. :-) You are nice. We like you and you can stay.

Lizzie Barrett said...

Hey! I LIKE pensions! They are like money when you are old and ugly and needy and can't get by on seducing men to take you out for dinner.