Monday, July 06, 2009

The Alternative UK Citizenship Test

I'm sure these will spring up everywhere. But having failed the test questions for being a UK citizen because they asked inane things about road speeds (I don't drive), the number of young people in the UK (with proportionally minor differences between the four choices) and where I go to find out about local training opportunities (I'm a lazy bastard), I should like to suggest alternative and more accurate questions to identify the people who want to be here and have been paying attention*:

1. What is the correct way to prepare a cup of tea?
- Milk in first
- Boiling water in first
- Moving widdershins around the cauldron while chanting hymns to the monkey gods.
- In the advert break.

2. State the correct number of times EastEnders is broadcast each week:
- Once
- Twice
- Three times a Barbara Windsor
- Four and half thousand
- Half

3. The Union Jack is only so-called when..
- Raised.
- Flown on a boat.
- No one really cares about the answer to this you smug git.
- Adorned on a BNP supporter.

4. If someone jostles you by accident in a popular drinking tavern, the correct response is..
- "Oh I am so sorry my dear Sir/Madam/Transgendered person, I do apologise. the fault was all mine. Please allow me to replace your spoilt Babycham."
- Heatbutting.
- Crying (it's been a long night).
- Pregnancy.
({Participants note, the answers to this question depend on the part of the country you are located in, and your social class. If you do not know your social class, please consult the arbitrator's copy of The Daily Mail.)

5. London is the capital of...
- The World.
- The Universe.
- The Empire.
- Starbucks.
- FM.

6. Typically, Christian UK residents buy Christmas presents..
- Rarely.
- At Christmas.
- In the sales.

7. Sir Alan Sugar is..
- Grand High Overlord of Great Britain
- Getting a bit tired now, to be honest.
- The Queen's husband.
- A queen's husband.
- Not as good as Margaret Mountford.

8. The British countryside is where..
- We shoot things.
- We shoot things to actually eat them.
- We go to patronise inhabitants of conurbations of less than 50,000 people.
- Messy.
- We go caravan baiting.

9. The most important UK resident is...
- Gordon Brown.
- Simon Cowell.
- The Queen.
- The man who runs the corner shop.
- Gordon Ramsey.
- Sean Connery.
- Barack Obama.

10. Your local Doctor is available..
- By Calling NHS Direct
- By tuning into BBC One on Saturday evenings
- When the happy pills have run out
- Never

11. A traditional British meal includes...
- Beans.
- Sausages.
- Beanz.
- "Vegetables".
- Plastic cutlery.

12. TRUE or FALSE, a motorway service station is not what you're thinking?

13. You are entitled to a free subscription to Heat magazine...
- When Kerry Katona says so
- When Jordan says so
- When Katie Price says so
- When the women at Tescos says so
- When the Man from Delmote says so
- When the Gold Blend couple say so
- On Tuesdays
- Upon the birth of your sixteenth child

14. Finally, John Lewis is...
- Where posh people go to buy haberdashery.
- Related to Peter Jones.
- A Blue Peter presenter.
- A porn star.
- A long-running drama on Radio 4.


Am I being snobby? I'm probably being snobby, aren't I. eeek!

More suggestions in the comments please!


UPDATE: I must belatedly thank Mr. Dennis for this post, as it was his Tweet that pointed me at the UK citizenship Warm Up Test. And his questions in the comments are far funnier than mine, dammit.

(The British - shocking manners....)


* I'd also quite like to end this sentence

9 comments:

Geoff said...

Snooker is...

- boring
- working class chess
- eye candy
- cliquey
- a prelude to violence
- a way of making up after violence
- better in black and white
- a cause of acne

julaberry said...

I failed the test too, got 15 out of the 24 correct which I thought wasn't too bad.

How did I do on yours:
1. What is the correct way to prepare a cup of tea?
- In the advert break.

2. State the correct number of times EastEnders is broadcast each week:
- Four and half thousand

3. The Union Jack is only so-called when..
- Adorned on a BNP supporter.

4. If someone jostles you by accident in a popular drinking tavern, the correct response is..
- "Oh I am so sorry my dear Sir/Madam/Transgendered person, I do apologise. the fault was all mine. Please allow me to replace your spoilt Babycham."

5. London is the capital of...
- Starbucks.

6. Typically, Christian UK residents buy Christmas presents..
- In the sales.

7. Sir Alan Sugar is..
- A queen's husband.

8. The British countryside is where..
- We go to patronise inhabitants of conurbations of less than 50,000 people.

9. The most important UK resident is...
- The man who runs the corner shop.

10. Your local Doctor is available..
- Never

11. A traditional British meal includes...
- Plastic cutlery.

12. TRUE a motorway service station is not what you're thinking?

13. You are entitled to a free subscription to Heat magazine...
- When Kerry Katona says so

14. Finally, John Lewis is...
- Where posh people go to buy haberdashery.

Arielle said...

The only answer I know is to number 10. And even then, not really.

Michael said...

15. At a social occasion where there is free wine or beer, do you:
- get drunk
- get pissed
- get pissed and vomit over the host
- get pissed and trash the place
- get pissed and fall into an alcohol-induced coma
- all of the above

16. While waiting for a bus, a stranger turns to you and complains that it is late arriving. You:
- say "Typical!"
- say "'Public transport', eh?"
- shake your head, roll your eyes and exhale an amused snort from your nostrils
- pretend that they haven't spoken, avoiding eye contact
- mug them

17. Due to some late running sport, the repeat of Room 101 that you wanted to see has been delayed, and it was a good one, the one with Stephen Fry that you've enjoyed both times you've seen it previously. Do you:
- call the BBC and complain?
- write to the BBC and complain?
- write to page 145 of Ceefax to complain?
- write to the Daily Mail to complain about the lack of respect for viewers, your outrage at having to pay a licence fee/"tax", and disgust that you once heard someone say the word "piss" in a film in 1989?

18. You buy a house. Do you think:
- well, this'll give me something to talk about when I next see my friends.
- it'll do for the next few years, until my collection of DVD box-sets makes it untenable.
- if we knock this room through and swap the bathroom to the front, we can add £20K to the value.
- I'm going to enjoy masturbating furiously and daily at the thought of the return I'll get on this when the new station's built.
- this is a nice house. I'll enjoy living here.

19. The Last Night of the Proms is:
- the distillation of what it means to be British.
- a brilliant night out.
- broadcast simultaneously on Radio 3 and BBC4.
- in any way meaningful.

20. For this year's Children In Need, do you:
- shave your head?
- bath in beans?
- go to work in fancy dress?
- mug shamelessly during a Buck's Fizz routine with your fellow cast-members?
- develop a sudden interest in Gardeners' World on BBC2?

Hedgie said...

Sir Alan Sugar is DEFINITELY not as good as Margaret Mountford.

Boz said...

Wow. These are the longest comments I've ever had by far.

Geoff - "Like death but with more balls?"

Julaberry - You'd definitely be allowed to stay. Although you could anyway. In fact, if Mick doesn't mind, I'll marry you so you can have residency. And I get to come to Oz. Rahh.

Arielle - If it helps, I'd rather be almost anywhere than here...

Michael - TO WHOM I OWE THIS POST (I found the test from his Tweet), that made me snort with laughter. Yours are much funnier. And Ceefax, every time.

LaLa said...

That's it, Mick's dumped.

Michael said...

Gosh, that capitalised dedication makes me feel like I've passed away. [TOUCHES HIMSELF] No, still here. [TOUCHES HIMSELF AGAIN] Ooh. Mmm.

Um, anyway. I think we can share the prize of mocking that RIDICULOUS test. And I highly recommend page 145 of Ceefax, if you want to despair of your fellow humans.

The Kid In The Front Row said...

haha, this is a really funny blog - although I think it's dangerous to get into an argument about how to best prepare a cup of tea!