"So it turns out he wasn't self-harming at all, just trying to get a splinter out. We're off high alert and the marigolds are back under the sink."
"Where do they get all these people in the sofa and bed sale adverts? Where do they find them? Darling it's simply too Basingstoke. So distressing."
"You're so much more entertaining when hungover."
* Because there is little point in having all this at home on bits of paper.